Part II: “Every good and perfect gift is from above.” – James 1:17
My first and only child was born in 2008 through the use of fertility and is now 3 1/2 years old. Looking back on the trying times and difficulty we had conceiving him, I feel blessed and honored to be his mother. God patiently waited until he knew we were ready, then blessed us with an amazing miracle. We could not have been more happier! What happened next, we didn't expect.
My Second Pregnancy - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7
I learned this verse is easier said than done. I learned that trying not to understand WHY things happen and giving it to God, is a LOT harder than it seems. I learned this lesson through my second pregnancy. My son was only 5 months old and in November we found out we were expecting a child. On our own, without any fertility treatment - this was a true blessing. We were excited! Even though they would be very close in age, we thought this was perfect. We struggled so hard with our first pregnancy and I felt we were being rewarded for being patient and understanding of God's will. My first doctors visit everything looked great! My betas (HCG blood levels) were wonderful! We told all the family and our friends at Thanksgiving and everyone was so thrilled. This was it!! We were going to have a sibling for our son, someone he could share his life with. I was so busy getting prepared for my son's first Christmas that I didn't really think about the pregnancy that much. I felt overwhelmed with love and extremely blessed. When you try for so many years, you have imagined over and over in your head how your childs first Christmas Eve and Christmas Day would be. We all look forward to the first celebration you get to share with your child, its extremely special. For me, this was so important. My husband and I both were blessed with large, loving families who enjoy getting together for holidays, especially to celebrate the Lord. The day before Christmas Eve, I felt some strange pains in my stomach. Nothing big I thought.. I had been overdoing it Christmas shopping and trying to make sure everything was perfect for my son's 1st Christmas. On Christmas Eve we spend the day with my parents and my fathers parents. It is a busy day and I was so excited to get to share this with my son (even though he was only 6 months and couldn't remember; it meant so much to my husband and I). Later that night before Christmas Eve I began to see some bleeding. Woooooooaaaaa!!! What is going on???!! Why is this happening?? Is this happening?? I can't be sick for my babies for Christmas. I have waited forever to share this one experience with him. Then it hit me. I am not sick. I am having a miscarriage. I called the doctor, they ran some tests and it was declared that I was having a miscarriage. No heartbeat was found and if you listened closely, I think mine stopped at that moment too. I was DEVESTATED! My world was crumbling around me (at least I thought it was). Why me? Why now? Why, why, why?? Well focusing on the why and why not is not my recommendation. Wondering why the Lord took away such a blessing from you will not help you understand things any better. Trust me! I know. I paused and remembered this scripture that someone shared with me through my first few fertility struggles - “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” So I did. I fell to my knees and asked him to save my baby. The next day on Christmas Eve, I was admitted into the hospital, given anestesia and I had a DNC procedure. I had lost my baby, on CHRISTMAS EVE! hmmm.. My parents came and got my son. They took him to see the family and get to spend Christmas Eve with everyone. I couldn't be there and I was heartbroken. My heart was broken twice that day. I lost a child at 7 weeks old, who had a heartbeat. I lost an experience with my son I can never get back. You would be surprised how cold a hospital room can feel on Christmas Eve. Empty, strange, sad, lonely. I spend Christmas Eve in a hospital gown.. not what I had imagined for my first family Christmas. But nevertheless, the most important men in my life were by my side throughout it all. My husband and the Lord. We felt comfort in knowing that we would get to go home and see the one true miracle and blessing we already had. I say "I" and "me" in this blog a lot. But everyone knows its not just "me". My husband and our families suffered the same loss we did that day. It may not have affected them as deep as it did me and my husband, but they felt that loss too. Well, I got home late that afternoon and my parents brought my son back home. I could NEVER let him wake up on his first Christmas without me there (feeling awful or not) - besides who would be Mrs. Claus? My parents waited to give him his presents till I got home so I could get to share that experience with him. It was such an amazing, yet bittersweet moment. A day I will never forget for the rest of my life - the good and the bad. Like any mother would, I shoved my feelings in my sleeve - put my big girl panties on and went on with my life. You will never, ever forget the loss of a child. It is not something that can be explained and the pain never goes away. But I found comfort in the blessings around me. I picked up my life, was grateful for the life the Lord had given me and most of all - I NEVER LOST FAITH IN MY LORD. Sometimes we want to blame the Lord for our losses - after all he knows our every step and creates our every move - so of course I wondered why he would put me through this if he knew the end result. But that trial and tribulation taught me a lesson.
1. Sorrow and grief are never easy.
2. We discover in the gospel of John that even our Lord wept at times.
3. But though sorrow and grief are real to us we dare not miss the lessons God is trying to teach us through sorrow.
I learned that God sees the whole, we see only the part. God's ways aren't our ways. Isiah. 55:8-9 "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith Jehovah. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Lastly, God in His wisdom allows sorrow to come into our lives and we must remember that His plan is best.
My son's first Christmas turned out AMAZING! Throughout all the sorrow, we were able to see the light and let me tell HE SHINED BRIGHT!
Part III: Coming soon will walk you through my second loss of a child.
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