"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel".

Just tuning in?  Scroll to the very bottom to read the first posts.

Well, its been over 3 months since my last blog and I have received some very sweet emails from my blogging friends wanting an update.  So here it goes:

Three months ago I found out I was miscarrying my third and fourth baby (twins).  I'm not going to pretend like it gets any easier because it doesn't; a loss is a loss.  Sometimes I find myself looking at Parker in his car seat and wondering what it would feel like to have four more car seats.  The mass chaos, food being thrown, children yelling, dirty faces.. To some that may sound hectic and awful.. To me that sounds like heaven.  My fertility journey has been painful, stressful and heartbreaking.  But it has also brought my husband and I the most joy in our life - Parker!  Without the pain and heartache there would be no Parker and a world without him would be missing out on one cool superhero!  He brings so much joy to so many people; he is truly an angel and blessing from the Lord above.  There is no way to explain why he is here.  My doctors are even at a loss for words when we try to figure out why that procedure worked and the other 9 exact procedures failed.  He is a miracle.  So when people ask me why I keep trying?  Take a look at him; spend a minute around him.  There is no amount of pain or heartache that I wouldn't take on to create another perfect angel like him.  He turns 4 this month and in the midst of all the fertility frustration, I take one look at him and my life is complete.  I can't wait to celebrate his superhero themed birthday party with him, my husband and our families. 



One of my awesome friends, Lauren, text me last week after a long conversation we had and she told me she thought I needed to blog.  I get frustrated about policies and procedures sometimes.  We were discussing insurance companies and how they were refusing to pay one of my ER visits before my miscarriage because it was "out of network".  I am constantly getting bills in the mail from my last procedure.  What many of you don't know is that I went to the ER for a low blood platelet count (that seems to be caused by fertility drugs; but not sure) in January.  I then had my D&C in March at the hospital and was back three days later in the ER for complications.  So you can imagine the amount of bills I racked up!  Needless to say, I hated checking the mail.  It made me angry and put me in a bad mood.  So my friend, Lauren, made a valid point.  She said "Are you mad about the bills or are you mad because its a constant reminder of what happened".  I thought about that for a second and realized she is so right.  It is no surprise to me that I am getting doctor bills.  Duh.  What was building the anger inside of me was the constant reminder I got everyday in my mailbox of what could have been.  What I didn't realize was that my approach to something as simple as dealing with medical bills was bringing out the worst in me.  It was not the doctors and hospitals I was mad at it, it was the outcome.  My husband, who is amazing, told me "Everything is going to be just fine.  We have an amazing family, a beautiful son and anything extra is just icing on the cake".  He is right and so was Lauren.  Anger is not the way to deal, but falling on your knees and praying for the Lord to remove your anger is.  So that is exactly what I did.  If you find yourself in a similar situation, constantly angry about an outcome you can not change, open your bible and turn to Peter.  You will be amazed at what the Lord shows you.  So many people around us are struggling with much bigger battles.  My situation is not a battle or a curse; its God's Plan.  Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7

So what's next you ask?  Who knows?  Only one man does and when he shows me my path, I will follow.  Until then, I will hold on tight to the amazing life he has blessed me with, count my blessings and IF it happens - enjoy the icing on the cake!! 

Thank you for reading my blog.  It has allowed me to share my journey.  The author of an amazing book called Facets of Life, by Lori Clark Weatherly, read my blog and mailed me an autographed copy of her book.  It was a privilege and honor to read her book.  It is an AMAZING testimony about love and the loss of a child, struggles, and our amazing Lord.  It helped me in my journey and no matter what your situation is, I hope it will help you in yours too. 

http://www.amazon.com/Facets-Life-Lori-Clark-Weatherly/dp/161379147X#_

"I will never fail you. I will never abondon you." Hebrews 13:5

"I will never fail you.  I will never abandon you." Hebrews 13:5
That bible verse was sent to me in a text message by my best friend Lauren right before I went in for my ultrasound Friday.  Looking forward to seeing the babies heartbeat, I took a deep breath read this text and replied back to her, "I needed to hear that.  I am a nervous wreak, making myself sick".  I found comfort in that moment from hearing that bible verse.  I knew the Lord would never fail me and after all I have been through I am still confident he will never fail, nor abandon me.  As my husband and I waited for our ultrasound, I was a 100% positive this was going in the right direction.  I couldn't wait to see my babies heartbeat!  It never occurred to me what would happen next was how my day would go.

We entered the ultrasound room and we all looked at the screen.  Two sacks were visible.  You would think that would be exciting news, but not for someone who has seen as many bad ultrasounds as me.  What we were looking for, we didn't see.  I know I was only in there for 10 minutes, but I promise it felt like I sat on that table for 3 hours looking at that screen.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  There it was plain as day.  I was pregnant with twins and it looked like I was going to lose them both.  I will be totally real with you for a minute and tell you that in that moment I was heartbroken, confused and felt like things were a little unfair.  I will never try to understand the balance that God provides us here on earth, but what I thought about in that moment was all the women who had babies and abandoned them, didn't want them, hurt them, etc.  Why was it so hard for people like me (and trust me my blog has opened my eyes to the enormous amount of people in my situation who are well deserving) who would love and cherish the blessing of a child to conceive.  Anger, disappointment, frustration, and fear all hit me at once.  They put us in a room and we waited for the doctor.  He confirmed what I already knew and stated that he was 99% sure I was going to miscarry.  Wow.  Hearing it from my doctor was not any easier. 

What happens next I really don't know.  Am I giving up?  DEFINITELY NOT!  No one gets what they want by giving up!  I have the most amazing husband in the world.  He is my heart and my rock.  Together we will pick a time that is right and try again.  I have faith in the Lord that he is waiting for that right moment.  What do I think happened.....  "An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."  What helps me look forward to tomorrow is knowing that I get to go home to the most precious little miracle of all, my baby boy!  I will not dwell on what is not, I will look forward to spending every minute I can celebrating his precious life.

I wrote this blog to share my story.  Little did I know that over 1,000 people would read it.  It has been presented as one of the top twenty fertility blogs and I have received over 100 emails from people in my situation.  I have battled infertility for six long years.  I kept it a secret for a long time.  I am not a very open person when it comes to my personal life, however if this blog can give one person hope then I will share my journey with the world.  The worst thing someone can do is hold it all in, trust me I know - I did it for six years.  Seeking comfort and encouragement from the people around you makes life's trials and challenges seem so much easier.  I have amazing family and friends who encourage and help me along the way and I am extremely grateful and blessed to have them in my life.  This will be my last post for a while until we decide our next step.  I wish all my fertility friends lots of baby dust and the best of luck.  To all those who have suffered a miscarriage or loss, here is a poem I found:

JESUS, IS HE WITH YOU?
Jesus is he with you?
I wonder every day
I sit and wonder why he's gone
And why he could not stay

Every part of me is empty
I feel I can't go on
But then I look to heaven
I hear this beautiful song

Mommy I am with him
He holds me in his arms
When every I am with him
he keeps me safe and warm

He says you shouldn't worry
I am safe and loved right here
With all the other baby angels
that passed within the years

We have a special place up here
He thought that you should know
Where the Blessed Mother takes
your place for now until you show

When I hear this precious little voice
From the heavens above
I know that all the angels
are showering him with love

For everyone that wants to hear
their babies voice so innocent and sweet
Just close your eyes and begin to pray
and embrace them in your sleep.


Another sweet poem:
I Am An Angel

Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.


Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,
God chose that I move on.


I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.


You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your loss,
Or make your heart not ache.


I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.


There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.


Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...

ONE LITTLE BEAN!

**If you are new to my blog, scroll down and read the first section at the bottom (google puts new posts first.)

UPDATE ON OUR FERTILITY JOURNEY:
Just a short update on what has been going on these past few weeks.  We went to the doctor and found that my betas had decreased from 211 to 191 and then increased from 191 to 900!  We are headed in the right direction.  The doctor said that we originally started out with two little beans, which is why the beta numbers were high, then one little bean didn't make it which explains the decrease in the beta numbers when we lost a twin  =(  .  We were a little sad.  However, we are still optimistic and excited about our little survivor!  He/she is holding on strong and when we went to the doctor our betas had rose to 3000!!  I am five weeks pregnant and the doctor was able to see a tiny, tiny sac!  The next few weeks are crucial for our little survivor; we are hoping he/she can hold on strong.  We know that our other little bean is in the presence of the Lord and is shining in his glory.  Please keep our little survivor in your prayers!

Part III: What Doesn't Kill You, Only Makes You Stronger.

This is the third post so if you just started reading, scroll down to the very bottom and begin reading the first post on Our Journey with Infertility, then move up to the newer posts. (newer posts are first).
P.S.  I type very fast and don't claim to be an expert in grammar.  lol.

Part III: My third pregnancy and continued battle with infertility.

After my first miscarriage I hoped that I, nor anyone, would have to experience the hurt and confusion that comes along with that type of loss. After talking with the doctor they had no strong evidence to convince themselves or me that if I tried on my own again it would end in a miscarriage. My doctor told me that more than 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and half of the mothers don't even know it happened because it was so early in the pregnancy. I felt that for now, my husband and I would move on with our lives enjoying the wonderful little blessing we already had and approach the thought of another child at a later time. Unfortunately, mother nature had other plans. A year and half later I found out I was pregnant again. My husband and I were both surprised and thrilled! We didn't plan it, expect it, but it was definitely wanted. I visited my doctor to confirm my pregnancy. I was five weeks along and they scheduled my ultrasound for 7 weeks. My blood tests (hcg levels) started out good but were not doubling every 48 hours like they should. The doctor didn't seem to be too concerned about this. He said every woman is different, just because your betas (hcg levels) don't double every 48 hours doesn't mean its not a viable pregnancy and that as long as they keep going up there is no reason for concern. So being the nervous and curious person I am, the research began. I saw that the doctor was right and that there was many stories of successful pregnancies who battled low betas.  So I went on with planning the birth of our second child. What would it be? What would we name it? The normal stuff that women go through when they find out their pregnant. My sister-in-law accompanied me to my ultrasound to watch my little man because my husband had to work and it was supposed to be just a routine ultrasound where they measure the baby and make sure I am on track for a successful pregnancy. Well.... as soon as the ultrasound tech pulls up the screen, I had seen that look before. A scared and confused ultrasound tech who knew something was the matter but was not at liberty to tell me since she wasn't my doctor. So I asked the heart wrenching question myself to her, "I don't see or hear a heartbeat?" The way she looked at me with such sorrow and disbelief confirmed my suspicion. I had an empty sac on the screen. At seven weeks that is not normal. You should see a yolk sac, fetal pole and heartbeat. Sometimes its difficult to hear the heartbeat at seven weeks so they will test your betas to confirm the miscarriage. She urged me back to the lab for my blood work. I sat in the dreaded waiting room for my results watching tons of beautiful, happy pregnant women pass me by.  That hour seemed like it went on for days.  The doctor came in and confirmed the miscarriage.  I was scheduled for another D&C since I was so far along.  At that point I was almost 7 1/2 weeks.  Again, this never gets easier.  Calling your husband who is as eagerly excited as you and telling him the bad news is probably the most difficult part of the whole process.  Of course he and my family wanted to know what happened.  Unfortunately, it is so hard for the doctors to tell at that time.  The baby just stopped developing.  That day all happened so fast I never had time to grieve.  My husband could probably tell you the date and time of the procedure, but I honestly do not even remember the month.  After the procedure I did learn was that my eggs do not mature like they should and without the use of fertility I would never be able to get pregnant on my own. Any pregnancy I developed on my own was destined to end in miscarriage.  Ugh... what news, way to beat me while I am down!  I didn't have such good luck the last time with fertility so the thought of having to go through that again was really upsetting. The crazy thing through all this is I am not an extremely open emotional person so I did not go through the emotional process that you should after having a miscarriage. Don't get me wrong - I did cry and I did grieve, but I felt like God would want me to move on and try to understand that there were so many reasons that pregnancy could have ended. God knew that something was the matter and he didn't want to see me or the baby suffer any longer so he had mother nature step in. What else can you do? I didn't want to doubt the Lords plans but come on... two miscarriages back to back? You begin to feel a little angry and negative. I had to quickly nip that attitude in the butt and be reminded of my blessings around me.  I quickly learned that what didn't kill you, would only make you stronger.  In conclusion I wanted to share 1 Corinthians 10:13. You know the one that says God won’t give you more than you can bear … But wait a minute, that’s not really what the Bible says. It says you won’t be tempted beyond what you can bear. In life, you will go through situations that are more than you can bear alone. It’s only in those times that we realize our full dependency on God.

Part IIII:  Another shot at fertility!

After our two miscarriages, when we felt the time was right we began another fertility treatment to try for our second child.  Some people would probably think, why in the world would you put yourself through that again?  I can understand their thinking.  But if you look into the eyes of your child and tell me you wouldn't do whatever it took to bring them into this world, then you can understand our reasoning.  NO matter how many cycles it took or how much money it costs, there is not a price you can put on the beautiful life of a child.  Some people are naturally blessed with multiple children, some of us have to work a little harder at it, but we all feel the same about our children.  We all wouldn't trade them for the world.  My husband and I wanted the same opportunities as those around us and that was to create a sibling for our baby.  In January of 2011 we started our first cycle for sibling #1 (I can't say baby # 2 because I have been pregnant with three babies).  I was confident in the first cycle.  We were doing exactly the same thing we did when we consummated our first child.  The shots were taken daily, the pills were taken every night, the doctors visits were twice a week for a month and then we had the IUI (insemination) procedure.  After that we just waited for two dreadful weeks.  I was put on a progesterone pill which gave you pregnancy symptoms and made your body think it was pregnant.  So of course I had all the normal pregnancy symptoms and thought I was pregnant, while like the first three cycles I did with my first child, Aunt Flow (period) showed her ugly face and it was all over.  Boo!  Another disappointing cycle.  Usually they encourage you to do the cycles back to back.  But honestly, I was little discouraged.  That would have been my fifth fertility cycle in three years and they are expensive and tiring.  I thought I was ready to give this a shot, but what I learned was that I needed more time.  My body needed a longer break to recover from the emotional ups and downs of my miscarriages and the cycles of fertility.  I prayed about it continuously and leaned on the Lord to open the door and let me know when I was ready to start again.

Part IV:  And the Lord spoke....

I went in September (9 months later) for my yearly "female" appointment.  Lots of talk with my OB who I adore and I walk away knowing that my time is limited to have children.  From the two miscarriages, my uterine lining (which is crucial in pregnancy) was thinned out from the scraping of the D&C.  My endometriosis had come back pretty heavy and this was going to make it even harder to conceive a child even with fertility.  I felt like this was God saying "Let's get the ball rolling".  Ok so maybe not exactly what he would say, but in my own interpretation I felt like this was his sign to me that it was alright for me to try again.  So I left that appointment and scheduled my next fertility cycle.  My fertility doctor reiterated what my OB said after looking at my file and agreed we needed to try and conceive before my endometriosis got worse.  So cycle #6 was started and to save you the trouble of reading - we were unsuccessful!  My fertility doctor was stunned.  He didn't know what else could be done but to go to a more aggressive approach and our last resort - the dreaded In-Vitro Fertilization.  Oh I have heard my fair share stories about IVF - for starters the octo-mom thats all over the news.  The financial constraints that IVF puts on its patience brings enough stress alone.  We really needed to think about this.  My doctor said he felt like this was our only option unless we wanted to see if we could have a surrogate try and carry our child later on.  Ummm.. not an option in my mind right now.  I left that appointment and prayed and prayed and prayed.  If it was the Lord's will he would have to show me how this was even possible.  For starters - where would we get the money?  I think my doctor is great but I am pretty sure he wouldn't do this for free.. ha.  And how do I feel about sinking the price of a car into a "chance" that this might be a success.  There are no refunds if it doesn't work, there are just the bills left over to pay.  Well to make a realllllllyyyyy long stressful decision short, the Lord showed us the financial stability we needed and gave me the emotional support I needed to give this a try.  My husband and I did not want to look back in 15 years when our son is older and think that we didn't try EVERYTHING we could have to provide him with someone to share his life with.  January of 2012 I started my first IVF cycle and that brings us up to speed too today!!!

Part V:  IVF and all its amazement - Our 7th shot at fertility treatments.  

Technology can be scary and sometimes "pushing" the edge but in this case, the medical technology used to create IVF gave so many infertile parents the chance at the child they have always wanted.  We were one of those couples, trying for a second child, continuing our battle with infertility and taking a chance on amazing breakthroughs in medicine.  This is not the time nor place to debate procedures such as IVF, but what I can tell you is that my husband and I are Christians.  We relied on God to open the right doors and I firmly believe that without a doubt, he guided us in this direction.  Infertility is a disease and it is nothing that I did to bring it on myself.  It took me a long time to realize that.  But if you believe in the Lord then you believe he made you as you are, flaws and all.  So if the opportunity arose for someone to cure a disease they had, in my opinion the Lord would not frown upon that.  Especially now there is a lot of debate on IVF and the process of freezing the eggs, but there is a lot of uninformed people and I was one of them until I heavily researched the procedure.  What IVF does is what your body already does itself.  In the IVF procedure when your follicles reach a certain size, they produce an egg.  Women produce these every single month.  The IVF procedure is an invasive procedure for women who suffer infertility in egg development.  The doctor retrieves the eggs (that a women would release each month if she didn't use anyways) and fertilizes them.  My problem is my eggs do not mature like they should.  We retrieved 14 good eggs.  The test was seeing how long they would make it because my eggs generally don't develop like they should.  After five days I only had 4 eggs survive.  Of those 4 eggs, 2 were implanted back into me and 2 were frozen - at this point they were not viable pregnancies.  An egg is not a viable pregnancy until it attaches to the uterine wall and implants.  If I didn't get pregnant this time, I only had 1 more chance (you implant 2 at a time) and that was it for my chance at a sibling for my son.  Stressed??  Yeah to the max!!!!  

I am now two weeks past my embryo transfer and I found out last Monday I was pregnant.  So excited!!!  I went Monday for my blood test and my beta was 211 which is really high for only three weeks pregnant, thinking twins!!  Then I had to go back in on Wednesday for more blood work because of cramping  =(   I was really sad, I knew what this meant but I was being optimistic.  My ultrasound showed two tiny dots on the screen, looks like twin sacs were trying to form but you could barely see them.  Unfortunately, my blood work dropped to 191 instead of doubling to 422.  Devastated.. um yeah!  But the doctor said he wasn't concluding it a miscarriage yet.  He had suspicion that one of the twins didn't make it but there still may be another one.  We will see tomorrow at my appointment.  At this point I am hoping for the best, but I can feel my bodies pregnancy symptoms slowly disappearing.  I would have to say that the hardest thing through this whole procedure is the waiting.  I am always at the mercy of a blood test and ultrasound.  That gets frustrating at times.  But while I sit in the waiting room I am surrounding by people who have no child to go home too and who are on their third or fourth IVF cycle.  It brings a lot of things into perspective, one being that the child I have now is truly a miracle and without our persistence and faith in the Lord to guide us, he may not be here and I could be sitting right where they are.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed that my betas are high tomorrow!  If not, we will cope like we have before and keep our faith and strength in the fact knowing that the Lord has a big plan for my little family!  I can feel it in my gut.  Let me just add that IVF is not for the weak.  It is one of the hardest things I have done.  The stress alone will break you.  So kuddos to anyone who has had the courage to do IVF.   

If you are just tuning into my blog, to get the full story scroll down to the heading Beginning of Our Fertility Journey and read that section first.  The beginning of the blog is at the bottom and new posts are at the top (Google's weird strategy, not mine!) ha. 

Part II:  “Every good and perfect gift is from above.” – James 1:17

My first and only child was born in 2008 through the use of fertility and is now 3 1/2 years old.  Looking back on the trying times and difficulty we had conceiving him, I feel blessed and honored to be his mother.  God patiently waited until he knew we were ready, then blessed us with an amazing miracle.  We could not have been more happier!  What happened next, we didn't expect.

My Second Pregnancy -  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

I learned this verse is easier said than done.  I learned that trying not to understand WHY things happen and giving it to God, is a LOT harder than it seems.  I learned this lesson through my second pregnancy.  My son was only 5 months old and in November we found out we were expecting a child.  On our own, without any fertility treatment - this was a true blessing.  We were excited!  Even though they would be very close in age, we thought this was perfect.  We struggled so hard with our first pregnancy and I felt we were being rewarded for being patient and understanding of God's will.  My first doctors visit everything looked great!  My betas (HCG blood levels) were wonderful!  We told all the family and our friends at Thanksgiving and everyone was so thrilled.  This was it!!  We were going to have a sibling for our son, someone he could share his life with.  I was so busy getting prepared for my son's first Christmas that I didn't really think about the pregnancy that much.  I felt overwhelmed with love and extremely blessed.  When you try for so many years, you have imagined over and over in your head how your childs first Christmas Eve and Christmas Day would be.  We all look forward to the first celebration you get to share with your child, its extremely special.  For me, this was so important.  My husband and I both were blessed with large, loving families who enjoy getting together for holidays, especially to celebrate the Lord.  The day before Christmas Eve, I felt some strange pains in my stomach.  Nothing big I thought.. I had been overdoing it Christmas shopping and trying to make sure everything was perfect for my son's 1st Christmas.  On Christmas Eve we spend the day with my parents and my fathers parents.  It is a busy day and I was so excited to get to share this with my son (even though he was only 6 months and couldn't remember; it meant so much to my husband and I).  Later that night before Christmas Eve I began to see some bleeding.  Woooooooaaaaa!!!  What is going on???!!  Why is this happening??  Is this happening??  I can't be sick for my babies for Christmas.  I have waited forever to share this one experience with him.  Then it hit me.  I am not sick.  I am having a miscarriage.  I called the doctor, they ran some tests and it was declared that I was having a miscarriage.  No heartbeat was found and if you listened closely, I think mine stopped at that moment too.  I was DEVESTATED!  My world was crumbling around me (at least I thought it was).  Why me?  Why now?  Why, why, why??  Well focusing on the why and why not is not my recommendation.  Wondering why the Lord took away such a blessing from you will not help you understand things any better.  Trust me!  I know.  I paused and remembered this scripture that someone shared with me through my first few fertility struggles -  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  So I did.  I fell to my knees and asked him to save my baby.  The next day on Christmas Eve, I was admitted into the hospital, given anestesia and I had a DNC procedure.  I had lost my baby, on CHRISTMAS EVE!  hmmm..  My parents came and got my son.  They took him to see the family and get to spend Christmas Eve with everyone.  I couldn't be there and I was heartbroken.  My heart was broken twice that day.  I lost a child at 7 weeks old, who had a heartbeat.  I lost an experience with my son I can never get back.  You would be surprised how cold a hospital room can feel on Christmas Eve.  Empty, strange, sad, lonely.  I spend Christmas Eve in a hospital gown.. not what I had imagined for my first family Christmas.  But nevertheless, the most important men in my life were by my side throughout it all.  My husband and the Lord.  We felt comfort in knowing that we would get to go home and see the one true miracle and blessing we already had.  I say "I" and "me" in this blog a lot.  But everyone knows its not just "me".  My husband and our families suffered the same loss we did that day.  It may not have affected them as deep as it did me and my husband, but they felt that loss too.  Well, I got home late that afternoon and my parents brought my son back home.  I could NEVER let him wake up on his first Christmas without me there (feeling awful or not) - besides who would be Mrs. Claus?  My parents waited to give him his presents till I got home so I could get to share that experience with him.  It was such an amazing, yet bittersweet moment.  A day I will never forget for the rest of my life - the good and the bad.  Like any mother would, I shoved my feelings in my sleeve - put my big girl panties on and went on with my life.  You will never, ever forget the loss of a child.  It is not something that can be explained and the pain never goes away.  But I found comfort in the blessings around me.  I picked up my life, was grateful for the life the Lord had given me and most of all - I NEVER LOST FAITH IN MY LORD.  Sometimes we want to blame the Lord for our losses - after all he knows our every step and creates our every move - so of course I wondered why he would put me through this if he knew the end result.  But that trial and tribulation taught me a lesson.

1. Sorrow and grief are never easy.

2. We discover in the gospel of John that even our Lord wept at times.

3. But though sorrow and grief are real to us we dare not miss the lessons God is trying to teach us through sorrow. 

I learned that God sees the whole, we see only the part.  God's ways aren't our ways. Isiah. 55:8-9 "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith Jehovah. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Lastly, God in His wisdom allows sorrow to come into our lives and we must remember that His plan is best.

My son's first Christmas turned out AMAZING!  Throughout all the sorrow, we were able to see the light and let me tell HE SHINED BRIGHT!

Part III:  Coming soon will walk you through my second loss of a child. 

The Beginning of Our Fertility Journey - Together Always and Forever.

This is a story about our journey and battle with infertility and how sometimes big miracles can come in small packages when you least expect them.  To summarize my story, I have been through 7 intensive fertility treatments, been pregnant FOUR times, had two miscarriages, and one that resulted in a beautiful and healthy little miracle!  I am married to the most amazing and supportive husband and have a three year old little boy.  I hope that my story can be inspiring and give those going through similar situations a gleam of hope.  The truth is, God is really the only one in control, we can try to plan our lives but only one can create life.  For my fertility friends (or anyone suffering a any kind of disorder) here is my story.

I married my wonderful husband in 2004.  After a year of pure wedding bliss we decided we wanted to start trying for a family.  Since I was a teenager I have suffered with terrible and unpredictable menstrual cycles.  After years of trying, I was referred to a specialist to run tests.  I was sent into surgery for a laparoscopy in December of 2006 which is an exploratory surgery to see if the doctors can find what may be the cause of my problems.  I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and Interstitial Cystitis.  The doctor informed us that this diagnosis could mean that we would have infertility problems.  Low and behold, he was right.  After trying for six months on our own, we were referred to our first appointment with a fertility specialist.  Crazy and scary emotions ran through my head.  Number one was how expensive is this going to be since insurance doesn't cover it (and it was!).  Number two was, I have seen so many scary stories about mothers using fertility ending up with six or seven babies, is this going to be me?  We decided to leave it in the Lord's hands and pray about it for a while.  Our next appointment we started our fertility treatment.

First Fertility Treatment: 

Our first fertility treatment we were so excited.  We were thinking this is it!  We are finally going to get a baby and get to start our family.  We were at that stage in our life where all our close friends had babies and people were starting to ask that awkward question, "So when are yall going to have a baby?"  in their sweet, yet pushy voice.  ha.  We decided to start.  We were put through many vigorous and expensive tests, which showed the issue was on the female (my) side.  Thank goodness my husband was perfectly healthy and still is!  I was put on Clomid, which is an oral fertility pill, prenatal vitamins and progesterone.  The clinic where I go is ONE HOUR away, so the drive was not my favorite.  I thought I can do this every now and then, but then the doctor said we will need to monitor you every three to four days.. WHAT?  Gas is not cheap and it takes my whole day to go to the doctor.  But, I would have done anything to have a baby so I popped in some mixed CD's and on we went each week.  The doctor decided that I would need to do an IUI, which is an intrauterine insemination using the husbands sperm.  WHAT??  What is that?  It sounds scary!  Well, it wasn't fun, but after the first one it didn't faze me.  After the insemination we had to wait two weeks to get the results.  This is called the dreaded 2 week wait in fertility.  After the two weeks you take a home pregnancy test and hope for the best.  We were excited!  We had just went through four weeks of taking medicine, visiting the doctor bi-weekly, and we just knew we were going to get a BFP (big fat positive).  Unfortunately, I received a BFN (big fat negative) and still hung on to the hope that Aunt Flow (menstrual period) wouldn't come.  But she showed her ugly face!!  We were both disappointed.

Second Fertility Treatment:

Being optimistic and learning from our mistakes, the doctor declared that my eggs do not mature like they should so we took a more aggressive approach and switched to Follistim fertility shots.  Wait!!!!  Hold up!!!  You want me to put that shot where?  By myself?  Everyday?  Are you crazy?  I am terrified of needles.  I could never be a nurse (or couldn't have been back then) because the thought of a needle made me cringe.  Now your telling me if I ever want to have a baby, I need to give myself shots.  Yep.  That was the verdict.  Keep in mind that some insurances do not cover fertility or fertility drugs (which could be a whole other blog) so were in SHOCK when they told us how much we needed to come up with.  We had just paid for our first fertility treatment, which we were still recovering from, now you need more money.  Phew.. this was beginning to seem a little unfair.  For me this was a challenging time.  I work at a college and I am surrounded by seeing and hearing stories of young mothers who are on drugs and got pregnant.  One of those things I will never understand, but believe that God has his reasons.  Thoughts of why I had to pay to have a baby when others could have one at no cost, became frustrating.  Still, I kept my head held high and knew that God had a plan for me.  He wouldn't put me through it if he didn't think I couldn't handle it.  Through the love and support from our family, we were able to continue our fertility treatments.  So now I had to learn to give myself shots.. thank goodness they were in my arms and legs and not in my.. you know where - hiney.  After giving myself a shot daily for 10 days (eekkkk), then another IUI procedure, we were confident this was our shot and it was going to work.  After the two week wait, another BFN!  Nope it didn't work.  What else could be the matter with me?  How many procedures would it take?  Blah is what I was feeling at this point.  But through all the pain, I felt comfort in my husband, family and the good Lord above.  I knew he had a plan for us and I was willing to put in the work as long as he kept opening the doors.  

Third Fertility Treatment:

And another door opened... The doctor discovered that not only did I have an issue with my eggs maturing, I was not ovulating regularly.  New plan.  Stay on the shots (boo!), follow same procedure but this time take an ovulation shot (in the hiney...ekkkkk) to induce ovulation.  My husband thought this was kind of funny, and so did I.  Here I am trying to figure out how to mix my medicine for my ovulation shot and scared to death I am going to put it in the wrong spot.  Well I conquered my fears and we followed the procedure.  Being monitored bi-weekly, once the doctor saw on the ultrasound that my eggs were ready, I took the ovulation induction shot and I scheduled my next IUI.  At this point, in the past few months, I had been to the doctor almost twice every week and sometimes more.  A lot of my time was consumed and focused on making this work.  It was ALL I talked about.  My family was so supportive in listening to me yap for days about it.  After the two week wait, keeping our fingers crossed and praying hard we discovered another BFN (negative pregnancy test).  Discouraged yet?  Phew?  Just writing this stresses me out.  ha!  At this point I had thrown my hands in the air and said forget it, its not meant to be, not in God's plans, lets move on.  But the doctor has another idea.  One more month of fertility treatment.  My response, to  myself of course, was Whatever?  

Fourth Fertility Treatment:

To be honest, I don't remember much about this fertility cycle.  After years of disappointment and months of extensive and invasive, not to mention embarrassing fertility treatments I had given up.  Yes, me giving up.  Those who know me would say not possible.  I am a go-getter.  Filled with perseverance, drive, ambition... but I found the one thing in the world that could get me discouraged and it had beaten me down at this point.  So I followed the doctors orders.  Doctor increased the dosage of the Follistim fertility shots, followed me closely on the ultrasound weekly, took lots of blood work, gave me an HCG shot and induced ovulation, then performed the IUI procedure.  I never thought about it again because my husband and I flew out the next day to Las Vegas with our family.  At this point I had convinced myself that nothing would work and starting focusing on other options.  But Vegas was just what I needed.  A relaxed week without tests, medicine, doctors visit, and stress.  I never got to the two week wait because a week later when I returned from Vegas I got sick eating fried chicken.  I didn't even think that it could be from being pregnant.  But my mother in law said you need to test.  I got a pregnant!!!!!!!!  Yes we were so excited!!!!!!  Some say it could have been the gravity change from flying.. hehehe.. I think it was a miracle from the Lord above.  Throughout this whole procedure I never lost my faith in the Lord.  I continuously prayed every night and kept a strong relationship with the Lord, I truly believe he knew my heart and knew that I was not the type of person to lose faith.  He reassured me that anything is possible and he is the one in total control, not me.  After being put on bed rest for six weeks and monitored closely by my fertility doctor I was released to a normal OBGYN.  Wait!!!  Your leaving me??  After months and months of monitoring me the doctor was pawning me off??!!  ha.  The doctor explained to me that was a good thing.  After six weeks of monitoring me and everything going perfect, I didn't need his services anymore.  Wow!!  I asked the doctor what he thought made the difference this time and he said "I assume you have a strong faith, don't you?  I'd say this is a little miracle because I can't explain why or why not."  To hear your doctor say that you understand that sometimes there is not an explanation for why things happen.  That is why we consider my little man who was born 9 months later, OUR LITTLE MIRACLE!!  

My words of advice to those who are holding on to hope that their dreams will come try and they will have a little miracle.. DON'T LOSE FAITH.  Do not think its not possible.  We were blessed with a healthy little boy who is now 3 1/2 years old and the center of our entire life.  For years we thought this wasn't possible, and I almost gave up.  Luckily, the Lord had another plan in store for me and my husband.  I learned a lot about taking things for granted, what the important things in life really are, and how my plan is not always the right plan or the Lord's plan.  I fell in love with my husband all over again and learned that TOGETHER ALWAYS FOREVER we can do anything.    

This is not the end of my story.... After our one blessing we decided to see if giving him a sibling was possible.  Three years later we are still battling this.  Tomorrow I will post more on our continued journey and how it felt to suffer the loss of two babies.  If you thought my three failed fertility treatments were challenging, the things I learned with my two miscarriages forever changed my outlook on life.