If you have not read my blog before, click on the archive button for 2012 on your right hand side to read my blog from the very beginning. Click on February and scroll all the way to the bottom. They are in order by date.
I walked in and out of the Fertility Institute day after day seeing women in tears. I never stopped to lend a helping hand, to give them a hug, or to ask if I could pray for them. I just walked out. Pushed my eyes down toward the ground and walked straight past them, EVERY - SINGLE - TIME. You see, I do consider myself a Christian and I knew in my gut that they were hurting and needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to pray for them. But I did nothing... month after month, year after year. I saw women and men leave the ultrasound room devastated because there was no heartbeat found. I saw them leave in tears because they had suffered yet another failed fertility treatment. I saw entire families bawling because they suffered another miscarriage. I seen them fall to their knees because after five months of carrying a child, they would have to bury it. Yet, I still did nothing. Shame on me. I flashed back to those memories when the only thing I remember people saying to me was "It just wasn't part of God's plan" and I felt like saying nothing was better than saying that - so I walked away. Out of all the people who knew what those women were feeling, it was ME! I had been through surgery, three failed fertility procedures, and one successful procedure just to get my oldest blessing, Parker Lee. After him, I suffered through six more fertility procedures, two major Invitro Fertilization procedures, and four miscarriages. I knew their pain. I was comfortable hearing the bad news that many were just hearing for the first time. I was too comfortable with the pain. I should have provided a Christian hand, but instead I walked out the door.... AGAIN.
I began reading the posts on the fertility sites and knew that many women were so discouraged. They were losing faith in God, his plan for their life, and feeling like it was time to give up. One thing I will admit is that while I may have been angry or frustrated, I never doubted that God's plan was greater than mine. I was raised in church and even though I fail DAILY as a Christian, don't attend church every Sunday, and shamefully don't disciple as I should - I still know that God walks with me, and for me. After reading one women's post, I got brave enough to comment and share with them some of my experiences. Before I knew it, I had over 200 comments with women asking me questions about all of my procedures, my failures, my perseverance, my outcomes, etc. I saw a glimpse of hope in some of them as I shared my experiences and so this blog was formed. It has been a while since I updated it, and I thought my fertility friends would like to know that even though hearing the words "It just wasn't part of God's plan" may hurt like hell today.... they are VERY TRUE.
Today, I sit here at 23 weeks pregnant - with no fertility, no drugs, no help from a physician, just the work of God. Almost TEN YEARS later and all along those encouraging words that I felt sting, were very true. IT WAS PART OF GOD'S PLAN. All the hurt, heartache, fear, tears, struggles, and prayers were all worth it. I do not care to know why my path to hold my three babies was harder than most... because I would not trade any of it for the world. It was our journey and it was beautiful. Parker was a miracle. Preston was a miracle. Piper will be a miracle. They all three have different stories and I truly believe with all of my heart that this is how God intended for it to be. My husband is a man who was specifically sent to me by God, because I promise you that most men would have fled. The whole world I live in and the journey that got me to where I am today was in God's hand and perfectly planned by Him.
