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Well, its been over 3 months since my last blog and I have received some very sweet emails from my blogging friends wanting an update. So here it goes:
Three months ago I found out I was miscarrying my third and fourth baby (twins). I'm not going to pretend like it gets any easier because it doesn't; a loss is a loss. Sometimes I find myself looking at Parker in his car seat and wondering what it would feel like to have four more car seats. The mass chaos, food being thrown, children yelling, dirty faces.. To some that may sound hectic and awful.. To me that sounds like heaven. My fertility journey has been painful, stressful and heartbreaking. But it has also brought my husband and I the most joy in our life - Parker! Without the pain and heartache there would be no Parker and a world without him would be missing out on one cool superhero! He brings so much joy to so many people; he is truly an angel and blessing from the Lord above. There is no way to explain why he is here. My doctors are even at a loss for words when we try to figure out why that procedure worked and the other 9 exact procedures failed. He is a miracle. So when people ask me why I keep trying? Take a look at him; spend a minute around him. There is no amount of pain or heartache that I wouldn't take on to create another perfect angel like him. He turns 4 this month and in the midst of all the fertility frustration, I take one look at him and my life is complete. I can't wait to celebrate his superhero themed birthday party with him, my husband and our families.
One of my awesome friends, Lauren, text me last week after a long conversation we had and she told me she thought I needed to blog. I get frustrated about policies and procedures sometimes. We were discussing insurance companies and how they were refusing to pay one of my ER visits before my miscarriage because it was "out of network". I am constantly getting bills in the mail from my last procedure. What many of you don't know is that I went to the ER for a low blood platelet count (that seems to be caused by fertility drugs; but not sure) in January. I then had my D&C in March at the hospital and was back three days later in the ER for complications. So you can imagine the amount of bills I racked up! Needless to say, I hated checking the mail. It made me angry and put me in a bad mood. So my friend, Lauren, made a valid point. She said "Are you mad about the bills or are you mad because its a constant reminder of what happened". I thought about that for a second and realized she is so right. It is no surprise to me that I am getting doctor bills. Duh. What was building the anger inside of me was the constant reminder I got everyday in my mailbox of what could have been. What I didn't realize was that my approach to something as simple as dealing with medical bills was bringing out the worst in me. It was not the doctors and hospitals I was mad at it, it was the outcome. My husband, who is amazing, told me "Everything is going to be just fine. We have an amazing family, a beautiful son and anything extra is just icing on the cake". He is right and so was Lauren. Anger is not the way to deal, but falling on your knees and praying for the Lord to remove your anger is. So that is exactly what I did. If you find yourself in a similar situation, constantly angry about an outcome you can not change, open your bible and turn to Peter. You will be amazed at what the Lord shows you. So many people around us are struggling with much bigger battles. My situation is not a battle or a curse; its God's Plan. Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7
So what's next you ask? Who knows? Only one man does and when he shows me my path, I will follow. Until then, I will hold on tight to the amazing life he has blessed me with, count my blessings and IF it happens - enjoy the icing on the cake!!
Thank you for reading my blog. It has allowed me to share my journey. The author of an amazing book called Facets of Life, by Lori Clark Weatherly, read my blog and mailed me an autographed copy of her book. It was a privilege and honor to read her book. It is an AMAZING testimony about love and the loss of a child, struggles, and our amazing Lord. It helped me in my journey and no matter what your situation is, I hope it will help you in yours too.
