That bible verse was sent to me in a text message by my best friend Lauren right before I went in for my ultrasound Friday. Looking forward to seeing the babies heartbeat, I took a deep breath read this text and replied back to her, "I needed to hear that. I am a nervous wreak, making myself sick". I found comfort in that moment from hearing that bible verse. I knew the Lord would never fail me and after all I have been through I am still confident he will never fail, nor abandon me. As my husband and I waited for our ultrasound, I was a 100% positive this was going in the right direction. I couldn't wait to see my babies heartbeat! It never occurred to me what would happen next was how my day would go.
We entered the ultrasound room and we all looked at the screen. Two sacks were visible. You would think that would be exciting news, but not for someone who has seen as many bad ultrasounds as me. What we were looking for, we didn't see. I know I was only in there for 10 minutes, but I promise it felt like I sat on that table for 3 hours looking at that screen. I couldn't believe my eyes. There it was plain as day. I was pregnant with twins and it looked like I was going to lose them both. I will be totally real with you for a minute and tell you that in that moment I was heartbroken, confused and felt like things were a little unfair. I will never try to understand the balance that God provides us here on earth, but what I thought about in that moment was all the women who had babies and abandoned them, didn't want them, hurt them, etc. Why was it so hard for people like me (and trust me my blog has opened my eyes to the enormous amount of people in my situation who are well deserving) who would love and cherish the blessing of a child to conceive. Anger, disappointment, frustration, and fear all hit me at once. They put us in a room and we waited for the doctor. He confirmed what I already knew and stated that he was 99% sure I was going to miscarry. Wow. Hearing it from my doctor was not any easier.
What happens next I really don't know. Am I giving up? DEFINITELY NOT! No one gets what they want by giving up! I have the most amazing husband in the world. He is my heart and my rock. Together we will pick a time that is right and try again. I have faith in the Lord that he is waiting for that right moment. What do I think happened..... "An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." What helps me look forward to tomorrow is knowing that I get to go home to the most precious little miracle of all, my baby boy! I will not dwell on what is not, I will look forward to spending every minute I can celebrating his precious life.
I wrote this blog to share my story. Little did I know that over 1,000 people would read it. It has been presented as one of the top twenty fertility blogs and I have received over 100 emails from people in my situation. I have battled infertility for six long years. I kept it a secret for a long time. I am not a very open person when it comes to my personal life, however if this blog can give one person hope then I will share my journey with the world. The worst thing someone can do is hold it all in, trust me I know - I did it for six years. Seeking comfort and encouragement from the people around you makes life's trials and challenges seem so much easier. I have amazing family and friends who encourage and help me along the way and I am extremely grateful and blessed to have them in my life. This will be my last post for a while until we decide our next step. I wish all my fertility friends lots of baby dust and the best of luck. To all those who have suffered a miscarriage or loss, here is a poem I found:
JESUS, IS HE WITH YOU?
Jesus is he with you?
I wonder every day
I sit and wonder why he's gone
And why he could not stay
Every part of me is empty
I feel I can't go on
But then I look to heaven
I hear this beautiful song
Mommy I am with him
He holds me in his arms
When every I am with him
he keeps me safe and warm
He says you shouldn't worry
I am safe and loved right here
With all the other baby angels
that passed within the years
We have a special place up here
He thought that you should know
Where the Blessed Mother takes
your place for now until you show
When I hear this precious little voice
From the heavens above
I know that all the angels
are showering him with love
For everyone that wants to hear
their babies voice so innocent and sweet
Just close your eyes and begin to pray
and embrace them in your sleep.
Another sweet poem:
I Am An Angel
Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your loss,
Or make your heart not ache.
I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.
Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...
